The whole reason for this post is so i can vent my feelings
and everything that has been eating me up inside i can get out. i need
to feel like i am telling this to someone and that someone is listening
i hope i dont sound stupid this is my first post here. i rarely open up like this.

I am the shy girl
The most quietest thing you would ever meet.
my world is a very lonely.
it gets very cold and lonely being the person i am.
i dont know how to talk to people, to speak.
i sit and wonder will anyone ever be able to break the wall
that is hiding me from rest of society. will anyone be willing to lend a hand
to a person like me? help me rise up from the gutters and retreat to the streets where
i can smell the beauty that the world contains?
i'm nuts
i'm paranoid , confused, ugly.
i want to be able to tell apart
the jackasses or assholes who are just going to hurt my feelings and the people who are acullty nice and friendly.
so i know who to trust and who will understand.
i want to feel wanted, needed.
is that to much to ask?

Hey, guys, I've been kinda lurking here since I joined the community very recently and I don't really know what to post. I don't think I have anything relevant to say for that matter, and I don't even think my case is one of SAD—although it is anxiety nonethless, according to my therapist.

My life has been a total mess for years, and I don't think I am ready to tell the whole story right now. The truth is that I am afraid of the world, I am afraid that I will be judged and bashed by people, I am afraid of expressing my own opinions, and, when I do, I tend to be harsh instead of assertive. I am always angry and behaving defensively, like I believed people would betray me sooner or later, I am easily upset but I never tell it. I am never open, although I am easy to grow attached to people, and it makes me suffer so much because I feel like my behavior will end up hurting then, and they'll hurt me because of this.

Most of my relationships happen on the internet because I can't build them in the real world, but even in the internet, I only see my social skills getting worse.

Recently, I broke up with a friend who told me she thought me incapable of loving; she also said she couldn't stand my stuck-up beahvior anymore and that she wanted me to become someone softer and lighter. To be honest, we had been having some disagreements for a while, but I always looked past them.

Now, I just had a little row with another friend. We were talking on Gmail and she said she wanted to read a certain book before she watched the film based on it, and I asked her what the difference was. I understand that people usually prefer the books, and I can't blame them. But I also don't see the point in comparing; you don't enjoy the experience of a movie if you are comparing it with the book all the time. I told that to my friend, and we decided to agree to disagree. A few lines later she said she thought I didn't realise how busy her life was and that she doesn't have time to discuss such stuff, and that she looked past my not being very nice to her crediting it to my anxiety; she said she has to do it quite often and that I can be snappy at her some times, even if I don't realise it. I know all of this, but am I really that wrong to assume that a busy person should turn on the red colour on the IM?

I don't know when I am being snappy, and I don't know how I am supposed to behave.

Ugh, I am so nervous about my anatomy test today. Not because I don't know the material, but because the last two tests I had massive panic attacks during them. I am afraid that will happen again, and I won't be able to concentrate. I wish there was a separate room I could take them in or something. I don't get this nervous about my other tests!

Why do people put us down, hate on us, call us idiots, and make us out to be the scum of the universe when we make mistakes or do something that doesn't meet their standards? And not just people with SA, really, but everyone.

We all have different experiences and views, and everyone does not share the same brain.

Why does it feel like people have forgotten that we're only human? Why does it feel like people are ignoring the fact that we are diverse?

Why is it so much easier to put someone down than it is to help them up?

We forgot to run your errands, we didn't write something well, we wore something that you don't like, we make movies that offend you, we don't know how to socialize like you all.

We didn't kill anyone, we didn't rape your cats, we didn't steal your only mode of transportation, we didn't plan a genocide, we didn't open fire on a crowd of people just for the hell of it.

We just made a mistake. We didn't know. We just did something differently. Some of us just aren't concerned with being number 1 or "fitting in."

We're not evil, the sons and daughters of Satan, or some crazy-fucking terrorist. We're human, and we're just trying to live our lives how we want to and get by just like everyone else.

I know I would be so much more confident if people weren't such ego-inflated pricks about every stupid little thing. And I feel like the world is slowly becoming one giant hive mind where imperfections = auto failure. And some of this post may be exaggerated, but this has been bugging the crap out of me all year, and I need to get it off my chest, and I'm just so pessimistic about everything, and I'm sick and tired of people, and okay, I'm done @_@

EDIT: Please do not take this rant *that* seriously. I'm in a horrible mood/state of mind and know no other way to release the anger.

EDIT 2: All right, the anger is gone. Sorry for spamming your flist with my word garbage :x

I've been thinking about suggesting this for a while now. I used to follow a fashion community that also has another community for members to post off-topic things. I was thinking this might not be a bad idea for this community? This post was pretty popular, the community I'm thinking of would be similar except expanded, more discussion. Basically, you could post about whatever you want, except things specific to social anxiety as I think that should stay here. So you could post about the book you're reading, pictures of your pets, an essay you wrote that you'd like someone to proofread, a cool website you just came across that you'd like to share, anything really! I know you could always join a specific community for any topic you like but for me, I have a hard time posting to other communities because there are a lot of people already or I'm just afraid of saying something people won't like. Since a big part of social anxiety is a fear of being judged, I assume most socially anxious people would avoid judging people, at least outright. Because of this, I think a community populated by socially anxious people would be a pretty safe place to talk about whatever you want. Of course, there are people who aren't socially anxious who are nice and nonjudgmental but I hope I'm making sense. Am I? Would anyone be interested in something like this?

ETA - :) Any ideas on a name? 'sa_ot' (social anxiety off topic), 'sa_talk', 'sa_chat'?
As to the avoidants community, I had thought of posting there but they appear to have a rule against advertising other communities. I could post it on shy_ness.
ETA2 - sa_ot There it is! I made membership moderated just so I can see if you're in this community, shy_ness, avoidants, or some other similar one.

I wish my friends understood why I can't go clubbing with them. Just the thought of it almost sends me in a panic attack. Why can't anyone just get together and watch movies or have meaningful talks anymore and just not go out all the time?

So today I sent a text to a friend I haven't hung out with in awhile. She doesn't really talk to me much anymore, since around the late summer/early fall, and I kind of suspected its because she's good friends with my ex and he probably tells her about how I'm a bitch and blah blah. Also, I have heard from others that an unknown person was lying and telling her I called her a slut, said she was probably sleeping with my ex, etc etc.
( Blah blah yadda yadda )

LISTEN UP. I was at this small lecture on finance&politics the other day with my father. There were about 50 people there, in this little lecture theater and they were passing the microphone for comments and I SAID SOMETHING IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE and it was absolutely terrifying and horrible. Like I just blathered on for what felt like ages and I literally had no idea what I was saying but apparently it made perfect sense. And then I was finished talking and my face felt like it was on fire and I thought I was going to burst into tears because my eyes always start watering when I'm really anxious, but luckily I didn't, I just fumbled around in my bag looking for chewing gum or tissues or some shit. And then it was all over and I went home. Anyway. It was scary as fuck, but I did it. I did it.

my anxiety is so frikkin bad.
I always think people are thinking the worse of me.
Especially at work.

Why is it so hard from people with SA to have a significant other???
my anxiety sometimes makes me think I'll be lonely forever.

But there is still a strong part of me that does not believe this, and knows I should shrug such feelings.

I Know negative thoughts create more negative thoughts ... but it is hard you know.

I always fear that my workmates think I am weird. Iv'e been there 2 years and still feel uneasy there.
I know at times they think because I am 22, I should be going out, getting sloshed, dating, etc etc

I hate going out, seriously LOL
I don't do bars or pubs or clubs.

I'd like to date, but I don't seem to be able to attract guys.
I suppose losing weight could improve my chances.

In a recent post on a different topic a few people commented about going over conversations in their heads before having the actual conversation. ( I was wondering how many of you do this? )

I also have a question regarding posting in general. If I have more than one thing that I want to post about and they have little/nothing in common, would it be better to post them in one post or more than one in a row? I don't want to do the latter and look like I'm spamming or do the former if that would be too much or too confusing or something. (I hope this question makes sense. I've been on LJ for years but never posted much except in my own journal. Now that I want to post, I'm afraid of doing it wrong somehow.)

It has very much been one of those days where I look in the mirror and think to myself, "I'm not ugly. Why don't I have a single friend?" :[

I guess it doesn't help that the boy I really like seems to have no interest in me whatsoever..

Is it better to have loads of fake friends or no friends at all?

I have one friend who I see once a week and speak on the phone to a lot but other than her, I feel like all my other friends only want to know me when they've got no one/nothing else to do.

Like my one friend was supposed to be going to a restaurant with her flat mate but she couldn't go so she asked me. My parents kept saying she's only using you cos her flat mate don't wanna go and I knew deep down but I still went because I was bored and lonely. Whenever my friends have problems they'll all come to me because i'm a good listener yet they never make an effort to meet up with me. It's only msn and texting that keeps most of my friendships going. I see my other friend posting pictures on facebook all the time of her going out and having fun and I get jealous cos she never asks me. Not once. Yet she always expects me to chat to her on msn when she's got nothing to do when she's on night shift at work. It pisses me off. We make plans to go out but 90% of the time she makes up some excuse at the last minute as to why she can't go.

I could go on but I won't bore you too much..

http://soulcoachingmusinghealingsearching.blogspot.com/

If this may be of some help to any of you , only one soul it would be enough:)
I am sharing to help you find a way towards healing and loving your own.

Blessings and light

Hélène

Hello, fellow members of SA--

I'm making my first post here one that's more of a little cry for help, more than anything.

I've been jobless for almost an entire year, now.. Combined with the crappy economy and my crippling anxiety has made it tough going. I've *only* been able to look for jobs through sites like craigslist and the like. I rarely get any replies back.

However, about two days ago now, I head back from a little coffee shop *just* down the road from me, who needs some part-time help opening/closing... Sounds simple enough, right..?

The thing is, the owner asked me to drop by tomorrow morning, around 10:30.

I just received the email asking me to drop by like.. a half hour ago, and i'm already feeling sick in my gut. My foot is doing that twitchy thing it does when i'm nervous/bothered by something. Part of me wants to curl up into a ball and forget I ever got the e-mail (IE, blow the poor person off), but the *logical* part of me *knows* that I need some form of income...

I guess, what i'm asking is, what do I do...? Does anyone else have experience with something like this...? *Any* sort of advice would be appreciated, at this point... I already know for certain I *won't* be getting any sleep tonight.

Thank you, if only just for reading..!

Hi there.

This is my first post to this community... so I'll just say that I'm a 23 year old girl with social phobia/anxiety. I go to the local community college, which is a huge challenge for me.

I also have a therapist.

I guess I wanted to post here because I've been having a really hard time with this lately. Nobody around me really understands, so instead of burdening them with it, I just bottle it up inside. The only person I talk to about it is my therapist and I went today and ended up crying the whole time. I didn't even notice that I was so upset about it. Lately, I haven't been going to class. I can't even get myself to get out of bed in the mornings anymore. I sleep all day and then feel guilty all evening. So I force myself not to think about it. So when I do actually talk about it, it all pours out. All my guilt, fear, frustration, and sadness.

I'm just wondering if anybody else keeps their feelings bottled up and what you do to release them. I'm having a lot of troubles with that lately.

Thank you for reading. :)

ahhh. havent posted here in a while... but lately my anxiety is kicking my ass. I'm so tired of it, and just wanted to say it to people who get it.....

This may not be completely socially anxiety related, but it is anxiety in general. As finals are drawing closer, I find myself getting more and more anxious. My panic attacks always get worse around times when I have major tests (damn you anatomy!). I am sure we are all feeling it a bit, so let's post tips on how we can get through this time.

Here is mine: I always keep up on my exercise during test weeks even when I think I don't have time. I make time. It always helps me out at least a little bit. When it all gets to be too much sometimes all I need is a walk or a run to calm me down. Also I keep doing my yoga.

Has anyone considered group meetings for support? I just feel so lonely with this Problem/WEAKness and parents who just get so pissed off at me for not being perfect or rich and because of of what I did. I just want to go back and do everything all over - or win the lottery. Granted I end up taking out things on people close to me because I'm weak, which just makes me feel even more horrible. I end up regretting and resenting myself even more. I'm not using crying and talking to myself to solve a problem, it was just a way to cope with whatever happens and my oversensitivity. I wish I had a better appearance, and that more people actually see others for who they are. I wish I was NOT AFRAID.

Suicidal thoughts keep popping up in my head. Sometimes I wish I could die and come back and redo everything - if reincarnation were real.

Do any of you feel like you have to try *extra* hard in order to prove to everyone that you're not just some socially awkward nobody? Is anyone here a perfectionist?

Gave it some thought, and I feel like I try way too hard with everything I do to get everyone's approval. But, because of my "need" to prove myself, I end up fucking up instead. Trying too hard exhausts me and doesn't enable me to think clearly a lot of the time. And when I know I can't do something perfectly, I don't even try to do it. And, of course, that screws me over as well...

I know I don't need anyone's validation, but sometimes, I just can help feeling like I have to prove my worth...

Do any of you that are on SSRIs have lucid dreams?

Ever since I started taking Paxil my dreams have just become ridiculous. I've always remembered a lot of my dreams since I was small, but this is the first time I've been able to control my dreams. Also I dream a lot that I'm flying, or am a bird.

Nightmares seem really common for me now, unfortunately. Last night I had a dream where - long story short, a friend's soul got trapped in some kind of rusty car part. I could hear him breathing, panicked, but he couldn't talk. He was just.. a car part. Trapped, forever. I couldn't figure out how to get him out. It haunted me for the rest of the day.

Have you had any like, CRAZY dreams? Sometimes when I realize I'm dreaming, I intentionally see how far my brain can go, and I can focus in and count like, leaves and see individual flower petals and ripples in water crazy detail like that. It's seriously as real as the real world, and that scares me!