looking back on people who i used to know, tried to continue to know and be friends, but wasted their time by being hateful and holding grudges CANNOT get over themselves. it's sad to think that every other post in their blog has to be about how they're getting rid of the drama in their life and trying to surround themselves with positive people. i mean, really. you either do it the first time and make it stick or you don't do it at all and keep talking about it.

I'm watching Changeling for the 2nd time. I dunno why. The shit lingers in my mind from the first time i watched it online (bootleg style). i'm a history buff, too. so that may contribute to my need to watch this 2 hour movie again.

why do i feel like i need to get something done this week when really i don't? oh yeah..my car payment. two months behind. you'd think they'd give me a break considering our economy was totally shitted on and flushed. how many times do i have to tell them

"DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO PAY THIS WEEK"

"can we ask why, mr. roberts?"

"yeah...i'm a full time student and i work part time...and you guys aren't the only one who sucks up half my paycheck each month"

"ok..."

i wish the government would send me checks for school like everyone else.

i promised myself not to give into these things.
and yet i'm sitting here, awake...2:16am and thinking about it. where it's going. and if the end is inevitable.
should i let it go or keep holding on? perhaps it'll work out...or maybe it'll be just another story to tell of heartbreak and loneliness

i'm so glad the weather is back to normal.
i'm sick of the hot weather...i've been dying to wear my jackets.
i got rid of aol due to drama.
it's funny how people online can determine your moods
and sometimes it's just too hard to continue.
i feel like a closed a chapter in my life by walking away from the
cyber bullying. it's getting bad. i read about this black guy with the last
name Biggs, he commited suicide online infront of everyone. some people
were egging him on and didn't believe it. apparently he took some pills
and went to sleep. the police arrived and it was too late. i wonder if people
actually feel sorry about it. the ones who laughed and egged him on.
clearly they have issues of their own.

jazzi called last night to randomly hang out.
she said she was on her way over but never showed up. i waited for
about an hour and a half watching Devil In a Blue Dress..lying on my bed
texting AJ and in my gear for the night. she texted me and said "went to bed. night"
i didnt even respond. i simply got into my pajamas and went to bed.

i'm returning that damn razr phone. it was fun while it lasted, but i need a
phone where people can actually HEAR me. the seller off ebay
is an asshole. he wont even write me back =/

love him
but leave him alone
tell him that you'll always be there
you don't always need to be around
but he needs that reassurance
maybe a phone call when he wants to talk
but not always
he just wants to know you care
perhaps ask him how he's doing
but not too much
compliment him truthfully
he can always see through lies
what is insincere is so obvious to him
they're all out to get him
lurking around every corner
but he loves them
always gives them chances
maybe the next one will be better
no not this time
ok maybe this one will be greater
it goes on for a while but never truly lasts
he knows it'll end when it begins
they all turn their backs on him
they're sick of him
he doesn't know why
he just wants them to love him
love him like you'll always be there
but you don't have to be there all the time
just love him
reassure him
be truthful
or he'll be gone.

had a photoshoot yesterday with summer. i was extremely pleased at the photos. they came out so beautifully. linda told me about another photoshoot coming up on saturday, i hope i can make it. a new photographer coming out from new york who wants to shoot some high fashion stuff. i wish victoria felt more confident with me when it comes to makeup. i feel like she thinks i'm limited. when clearly i can do so much more with what i'm given.


still a little bit down. still broke. need money. need a new car.
need answers to questions that will always be unanswered.

are all the same.
same mindset with no room for anyone else
to think that i could befriend such exactness
that it passes into my mind as possibly screwed up
or maybe everything is what it seems to be.



i hear the honking outside from the protesters. should i care simply because i'm gay? honestly, i don't care. it sucks that people still have closed minds and fail to understand that what they're doing is condemning their fellow man. we're brothers and sisters. we're God's children. let's be happy while we're here.


i'm exhausted and need sleep.

nothing more to write.

it's late
the mind wanders
and he falls into place perfectly
the memories are there
the pain sets in
and my heart begins to beat
in a way that lulls the pain into a sleep
that let's it stay all night
until morning
groggy
trying to shake it all away
to speak to him
to want him
to see him again
to touch the palms of his hands
to smile and discuss his eyes
my eyes
how much we admire eachother
this is what i remember
his voice
his laugh
sweetness in my ear plays on loop
he let down his hair
more black than a tunnel
of hope
of sadness
he left a mark upon my heart
it's there
burned into place
another notch
count them
so many
they've come and gone and i'm left here
to remember
when it's late
and my mind begins to wander.

i spoke to my neighbor lisa today about our love of art. she showed me a couple of her paintings and inspired me to do more with my own art. i always knew that art was more than just real-life drawings of human beings. her paintings were abstract and just wonderful. i could see them in a gallery somewhere. perhaps i'll ask for paints and canvas for xmas this year. i decided i wanted to go back to a college that focuses mainly on art. finishing my general ed at Goldenwest will totally prepare me for a sped up process to get my AA. fashion Merchandising or Visual Communications? we'll have to figure that out when it's  my time to transfer.


OBAMA 'O8!


i had my doubts at first. mccain seemed to be winning over the country. after i voted this morning, i felt this inspiration come over me. i was so pleased with myself and felt like i personally made a difference for the country with my one little vote. i was surprised to find out how many people were actually for obama. especially since i work in orange county. all the white people out there seem to only be for mccain. but after talking to some clients, i realized it's much more than that. the world is changing, despite what some people feel. we need this badly.

my feet are freezing and i'm tired. it's time to get into bed and dream about possibilities of tomorrow.

so i did my first music video today and i must say...it was pretty cool. i know for a fact that most musicians wont be that humble or nice whenever my next shot at beautifying a music video will be. victoria is awesome as always. although the part where she took the $80 and left an hour after we started and i stayed the whole 5 hours with only $20 felt a little sketchy. i love her regardless and she means well. it'd be nice to get paid ROYALLY for the services i provide but it seems impossible.


still haven't started reading. i'm thinking about bullshitting it tomorrow and acting like i did. Peach would never know.

enough screwing around. i need to focus on psychology.
kind of impossible when there's so much on my mind at the moment.
everything is a mess, yet, everything is simple and planned out.